It's been a busy kind of month. (Holy shit, it's been a month?! Well...near enough) I've moved out of my home, started university, moved back home, been drunk, a lot, been deathly ill (not related to alcohol...there was this flu thing going around....felt more like TB...tbh...ha! see what I did there?! we have japes aplenty here, oh my yes), met an inordinately crazy amount of new people and actually started doing work (mostly) when I get it instead of leaving it until the last minute! Imagine that!
Because of all that I've not really had a chance to just chill, you know...get grounded in a sense because this month just passed has gone by alarmingly quickly. This weekend will be the first in a long time where I can actually just do nothing. I mean, I know I'm going to end up doing something exhausting, probably something to do with writing or walking aimlessly around Liverpool at night, you know, that kind of thing. I know, it's not good, I'm always tired because I don't really get to rest because there's either work that needs doing or I create my own tasks for myself because I get bored so easily. Most of the time I could be relaxing I end up writing, or rearranging things in my room, or wrestling the dogs just...anything you know. I hate being inactive, it feels somewhat wasteful.
But I know I need to stop at times. Because I do get so very tired, I'm continually exhausted because I can't just sit there, I can't just watch TV or hell, even read a book. I'm sure it's some form of ADD. I'll be sitting there, reading whatever and you know, properly reading it in, taking it in, but I'll also be pacing the room, stopping every now and then to write something or google something that's popped into my head....it really is quite distracting. For instance, this (so far) has been a very short piece (by my standards) I've stopped four or five times already just to go and read LFC and mmo-champ forums. I get bored very easily. I do sometimes wonder if that's the effect of the internet or video games or just my genetics...
I think worse than my flippancy toward things are the obsessions I get. To a mild extent I think everyone gets obsessed over something. You listen to that same song over and over and over, or get really into that show, you know, the one with the llamas...you sick freak! I'd be ashamed if I were you, but if I were you, I wouldn't be watching it, so I wouldn't be ashamed...but you would still be...as you should be! But anyway, yeah, I think I've talked about this before. I can get obsessed with ideas and things. Really obsessed, to the point it's all I'll talk about...much to the detriment of the conversation. But that's fine, what I'm really talking about is my stubborn ideas. I know I've talked about mistakes not too long ago, and that is basically an extension of this. I know something is a bad idea, but I'll stubbornly pursue it because...reasons, I guess. I don't even look at it in a logical way and it actually, genuinely scares me. I mentioned at the start that I moved back home which has led me to re-evaluating my financial situation. (Short version...it's bad...oh gods....it's bad...) Which meant I had to look at my original calculations...and they were wrong...not just slightly, but really way, way off. I'd basically got it wrong by a factor of three. I remembered my exact way of working it out, what factors I'd included, used the exact numbers and came up with completely different numbers....Now you may think "well, anyone can make a mistake" and that is true. But I went over and over these numbers. Hell, part of the reason I was so determined about the move away was because it would be better for me financially....but I was wrong. Laughably, fantastically wrong, time and time again when I did those calculations over the summer...and I can only rationalise it as me being so obsessed, so determined with moving that it distorted what I was perceiving...and that's worrying, you know....if you can't trust your own brain...who/what can you trust?
Yeah...Descartes would disagree with me...probably, but man, fuck him! If he so great how come he so dead?! Huh?! Answer me that! Anyway, I'm off to enjoy the last hour or so before bed doing washing....well, I say enjoy, it's more like labour through...not quite as arduous as Heracles' labours...but hey, come on, he was a demi god...I myself am a half divine but you know, gods were just cooler back then. Laters.