Sunday 9 June 2013

Currently listening to...

I'm tired...really tired...I've been awake over 21 hours at this point, this is after 4 hours sleep following a 24+ hour stretch of being awake...and I don't know why...I really don't, I just can't sleep lately. Like, I've always been pretty bad at sleeping, and there's not really a reason for it. I mean, I used to be scared of dying in my sleep you know, not waking up because of all the time I spent in hospital as a child, anaesthesia is fucking terrifying you know! But that's not it now (well, for the most part, still have the occasional blip, but yeah, who doesn't), I don't know, I guess its just...I dislike being inactive, if that makes sense. I can't do anything when I'm asleep. I can't write, or read, or sing, or cook, or do anything, well, other than watch dreams...but I dislike my dreams. Well, most of the time...like one time I dreamt I was helping Kakashi and Gai-sensei infiltrate a military complex, there were robots and lasers and everything! and it was awesome...but mostly, my dreams are like "Terence....Terence....you're trying to run away from the big dog, but suddenly your feet are made out of jam! and you hair is now made of mince, boy does that dog look hungry...." or I'll be sitting on a bus talking to an old friend, that I've not even seen in like 8, 9 years and they'll be telling me about whatever, their kids or something and dream-Terence says "yes, but where may i buy a sombrero like yours"....just random, disjointed nonsense, like a stupid surreal indie movie....i miss dreaming about zombies every night :( those were fun dreams....

anyway, so yeah, i don't know, so I write, instead of going to sleep, because that's smart! and i try to figure things out, writing is a form of therapy for me, you know, just getting words out because...just because...i don't know, maybe it allows my subconscious process information or something, i don't know, and I never plan what I'll write (shows doesn't it?!)  which is why I jump about, and repeat myself and talk in circles and basically just waffle on...it's a curse, I swear to God.

I'm looking forward to university...it has taken me 7 years long to get here than it should have done...and I hate that mostly it was my own fault. Like, even the IB thing at New Heys, yeah, I could have passed it, but honestly, it was piss poor mistake to make to take that course (I LOVE THAT SENTENCE!), I mean, I was stupid, and in love, and didn't really think any of it through...I should have gone to a different sixth form, it would have been less painful after that inevitability. And then my first foray into the world of college, that was so fun! I freaked people out, I'm normally quiet, but I can be really intense at times, manic really, and I was for the first month or so there, because....you know, new chance at life! yeah! but it wasn't really, I'd not addressed any of the issues I had, merely stored them, used the anger as fuel, and the thing is anger can only propel a person so far...it runs out, and then you just find yourself in a place you don't want to be because you weren't thinking clearly when you made the decision....

there's a term that came about in the 1950s, "angry young male", it was applied to writers, film makers, theatre actors who came from working class backgrounds (it also was used as a general term for people from that background) and its basically relating to the disenfranchisement and alienation felt by young males in the decades following the second world war. If you ever get the chance, go watch the movie "If..." by Lindsay Anderson, it's a masterpiece and details the surreal feeling of never quite being sure of your place in the world, but never the less wanting to influence it...and that's what the "angry young male" generally was, someone who felt abandoned by society and let down by the world, and often very politically minded but with no idea how to really change the world, or even their own little slice of it. It actually ties in very well with what I've done in sociology this year, I wish I'd have thought of it at the time, would've been fun to talk about it in sociological terms....ah well...

I'm scared of people, you know...well, no, not exactly, I'm scared of being abandoned or rejected by people....I really, really dislike that, well, most people would, I can't see a lot of people going "you know what, I'm really enjoying everyone fucking me off" and actually meaning it...but yeah, its really bad with me. I don't know if it's because I've had no father, and my mother is....who my mother is....but yeah, that's like my big fear, just, one day waking up and people just be there...but not acknowledge me, or just dismiss me, and it's mad, because I really, really like people. I love being in a group of people and just listening to people talk, the stories people tell...I'd tell my own stories, but I don't have many, and they're mostly boring because I've done so little. "What did you do today?" "well, I sat at my computer, and I read Internet articles, all day" "oh, OK, what did you do yesterday?" "well, I sat at my computer, and i read Internet articles all day, but i was drunk whilst doing so" "uh huh...." like obviously, that's an exaggeration, but yeah...for the most part...I like the Internet, i like stories and reading forums, but it doesn't make for particularly interesting self accounts.

So, now I'm going to tell you about the time I almost died. Well, one of the times I've nearly died, I've nearly died a lot of times....like the time I had a missing heart valve that requires me to take antibiotics every time i get a cut...a condition that wasn't discovered until i was 6/7 and after plenty of injuries >_> but i digress....so, I went to Cornwall with la famille, and we were walking around Land's End, and there's these rocks jutting out of the ground, overlooking the cliff, so i obviously climbed it because hey, what's a boy to do when given the choice to confront his own mortality...and I see that there's another rock about three foot away from the one I'm standing on and I think to myself "I bet I could jump that..." and I totally won the bet! on the other rock I realised the first rock, the one I had jumped off of was actually slightly higher than this one...so i jumped back, but I didn't quite make it and I fell off the cliff onto the rocks in the sea below and I died....well, actually, I did fuck up the jump, and i was left clawing my way back up onto the first rock...if I had fell, that would have been it, there would be no me here right now....and it's mad to think that...yeah, stupid decisions, my teen years were full of them. By the by....my family don't know how close I came to falling to my death...don't tell them...I'll get in trouble for 1) almost dying, and B) not telling them for so long and 3) iono, probably almost ruining a vacation or something, iono, they'll make up a C.

I've been writing this for nearly an hour now, over in fact...it really doesn't seem so much for an hours worth of work, but then, whilst I don't plan these things, I do think about what to put in them...there's a lot that goes into my writing that I end up deleting because it's just...i don't really know the word....personal, I guess would be the closest...I'm really bad at personal things, like, really personal things, displaying certain emotions, or whatever...see? It goes back to the rejection thing I guess. I think I'm done writing for now.


PS: With regards to the title, I am listening to an eclectic mix of wubs and/or dubs, as is tradition.

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